OMG, I'm a stereotype...

Sometimes something will happen that forces us to take a step back and examine our life. If it's good, you marvel at how far you've come. If it's bad, you wonder how you ended up in this place. One such moment happened today when I began writing a blog, paused, looked up puzzlingly, saw the bigger picture and exclaimed "HOLY SHIT! I AM BLOGGING ABOUT TWILIGHT!"

This is embarrassing on several levels. One, I am kind of ashamed of blogging in general. I've noticed the few times I've brought up my blog, I said it in a kind of mock-Thurston Howell voice as if to say "Yes, I realize it is narcissistic and self-indulgent to think anyone would be interested in what I had to say". Maybe it's the bad blogs I've read where people just ramble off everything they ate that day or who they had coffee with. I don't care if Safeway started carrying your favorite brand of freeze-dried strawberries. And I bet no one else does either. Which I suppose is hypocritical to say since by writing a blog you are sort of acknowledging that someone somewhere is interested in your own mundane life.

So the other reason that this particular blog was like a spot light on my pathetic existence is because it's about a book written for 13 year old girls. A book, well four books and a movie specifically, that I am so obsessed with I'll hear a voice in my head saying "Amy, be careful, you've already brought up Edward Cullen twice in the last five minutes..." AND I'LL STILL MAKE THE COMMENT! The other sad thing is that not only am I reading them, I'm giving myself credit for reading them. They're each like 600 pages long and each took like 3 days and I'm seriously thinking what a genius I am for reading them so quickly. Like it's f'ing Tolstoy!!! So I fly through the book (cause I'm so smart), see the movie twice in theaters (so far), change my computer background AT WORK to a picture of Edward and Bella, watch their interviews on YouTube and buy Twilight gifts for no joke three of my friends and then sign onto my blog to tell the world how dreamy Edward is and how Jacob isn't good enough and that I wonder who they're all dating in real life, like ever other pre-pubescent girl is telling the world.

I AM ALMOST 24 YEARS OLD!!! And I keep thinking I'm getting to the saddest part but there's always another layer of patheticness. But I think here's the pit of it: I'm not even embarassed. I, like every other 13-year-old girl, believe deep down, no matter how much I protest, that my dedication and obsession makes me cool or interesting or endearing when in truth, it just makes me like every other 13-year-old girl, desperate to fill the hole in her own romantic life by tatooing Mrs. Cullen to herself and covering it with the Team Edward t-shirt she bought at Hot Topic. Wow, this got depressing. I'll lighten it up next week for my blog entitled "Vampires: Why are they so hot?"

He had kissed a woman, and he had kissed her long and good.

I was watching The Sandlot this morning on HBO and I got to thinking. Those are some good looking boys. It's been like 10 years so I'm sure by now they've turned into good looking men. I wonder what they're up to now.

Here's what I found out:

Wil Horneff - So first I looked up the kid who gets in the fight with Ham. The "You bob for apples in the toilet - and you like it!" guy. He was a good looking kid. And sure enough, totally hot now. He's been in some other stuff, like an episode of CSI and House but his biggest accomplishment seems to be just being very good looking. Congratulations! Oh, and he spent several months in Russia helping underprivaledged children. Also impressive.

Tom Guiry - Oh, Smalls. You are so wonderful. The first time I saw that largely-brimmed hat, I knew I was in love. He is also very attractive now. Way to go, Smalls. I remember seeing him in U-571 and being very sad when he drowned. But he did it so well. I also watched him on the short-lived Black Donnelly show. He had this beard thing working. It was nice. So after reading his IMDB bio, I found out he had a kid when he was 18. Oops. So come on, Tom, make a new movie.

Patrick Renna - Since Sandlot, Hamilton "Ham" Porter's career has really taken off. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that he played the lovable smart ass brother in Son-in-Law, that Pauly Shore masterpiece of film. Come on, The Sandlot, Son In Law, The Big Green...how this guy hasn't gotten some kind of nomination yet is beyond me. And he kinda thinned out. Aces to you, Ham.

Chauncy Leopardi - Squints went on to play the bully on Freaks and Geeks. The Bully! Everybody knows Squints wouldn't hurt a fly. And even more surprising than him being a bully, he's hot. Check out this pic. He's a good looking guy. I'm finally starting to believe he could have really gotten Wendy Peppercorn. I also loved him on Gilmore Girls when he only had one hand. It was moving.

And now, last but not least. Mike Vitar. Benny "The Jet" Rodriquez. Set my heart a flutter. And I am happy to report that he managed to pick a profession even hotter than actor. He is now a L.A. Firefighter. Amazing. Doesn't get better than that. He was also amazing in the last two Mighty Ducks. Maybe I'll do this for Mighty Ducks next. Who wouldn't want to know about them? Unfortunately, no recent pics of Benny were available. But just combine your vision of Benny as a ballplayer with him as a firefighter. I gotta go.

Slippery Slope

So today I started reading in the bathroom at work. My boss was in a meeting, I had some time to kill and I was in a climactic moment in my book. My justification was that I spend countless hours reading articles online, why not a book? The bathroom is the only place no one would notice me. So then I faced a new dilemma: How to take the book into the bathroom as inconspicuously as possible. Because since I am in fact a woman, I don't take pride in bringing reading materials into the bathroom. I have guy friends who I see parading in with a newspaper. I actually asked someone "Why don't you just wear a sign that says I'm going to take a dump." But I guess they don't care. Unlike women. Women will play this cold war of waiting in order to avoid other women hearing them poop. Someone could really write a whole book on the subject.

So I eventually decided on the old interoffice mail envelope as a cover. So if I bring it into the bathroom, someone will just thinking I stopped in the bathroom on the way to the mailroom (even though geographically that really doesn't make sense). The causation of bringing it into the stall with me would be a little harder to explain but luckily nobody asked.

Okay, so now I'm in the stall when the next problem arises. Pants on or off? I really didn't like the idea of the toilet seat touching my clothes, the equivalent of someone else rubbing their butt on my pants. But on the other hand, I would feel quite odd sitting there with pants down for any extended period of time. Our bathrooms are pretty clean so eventually I went with pants up.

With a few problems behind me, I had 30 minutes of uninterrupted reading. Hey, it beats working. I'll probably do it again. I just hope I don't get a reputation. Everyone knows about the girl who doesn't wash her hands or the woman who must think the stalls are sound-proof booths considering the way she lets it rip as soon as she closes the door.

So in conclusion, I hate my job, would do anything to avoid it, and wish I was a man so I would spend less time worrying about bathroom etiquette.

Buying the Cow

So yesterday I bought a cow...and a sheep and a goat. I got a catalog from World Vision where you can buy animals for Africa and South America. So I started like "Oh, maybe I'll buy some chickens." Then chickens became a sheep which became an alpaca and before I knew it, I had just purchased the "Dairy collection". I have to say, I am so excited about it. I was tempted to get everybody I knew ducks for Christmas. I still may.

But the whole experience did bring back some bad memories from high school when we planned a donation drive for the Heifer Project and all anybody did was complain. I remember being so discouraged about all the excuses were people coming up with not to give. And if you don't want to give, that's one thing, but people were actually working against it. I had to take down some signs because people had written "Killing animals is wrong" and stuff like that on them. And the budding protesters must have been a special breed of moron because we were trying to buy a dairy cow. You don't kill a dairy cow. Or my favorite excuse was "There are poor people in this country, why are sending money to another?" I remember answering, "Okay, well, what are you doing to help people in this country?" "Uh, nothing." Thank you, you little high school ass hole. Man, it's weird how that makes me mad after all this time. Maybe it's because that wasn't the last time I came up against that kind of attitude.

Anyway, I'm so happy about my animals. I hope I get to find out where they are being sent. Check out the catalog. They send out a card with info about the donation so they can make great gifts.
http://donate.worldvision.org/OA_HTML/xxwv2ibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?section=10389

I'd pay twice as much for it to come monthly!

So in a moment of madness earlier this year, I subscribed to The New Yorker. I was mainly interested in the short stories, that and the credibility I would get for subscribing to it. While some (my dad) called me pretentious, I was determined. The first few weeks it came, I scanned through it eagerly before diving into the short story at the end. By about week four, I was finishing reading the stories online at work because I hadn't had time to finish them earlier. By week 6, it was all out madness. I was weeks behind and the copies started piling up on my mail pile. It stresses me out on a daily basis. WHO INVENTED THE WEEKLY MAGAZINE? I mean, I can keep up with PEOPLE, sure, but the New Yorker requires a big time commitment. They really should warn you before subscribing. It just keeps coming. I've had nightmares, literally. So in summary, I paid $50 to have a weekly reminder that I am an incompetent simpleton. Don't even get me started on The Economist...

I deleted questions I don't like.

Expla​in your relat​ionsh​ip statu​s:​
I have a crush on someone the gym. It's getting serious.

Name a lyric​ from the last song you liste​ned to:
A lifetime or not knowing where or how or why or when...

Last perso​n to make you smile​?​
The internet

If you'​re sleep​ing and someo​ne calls​ you what do you say?
"No, I wasn't sleeping."

If you could​ have anyth​ing right​ now what would​ it be?
An acceptance letter

What'​s the great​est thing​ that happe​ned to you today​?​
I found a granola bar in my purse.

Did you date anybo​dy longe​r then 2 month​s this year?​
Hells no.

If someo​ne likes​ you how would​ you want them to tell you?
Drunken make-out? Is that not healthy?

What'​s one thing​ you reall​y want to do this very momen​t?​
I wish it was lunchtime.

How was your day?
I finished something at work and rewarded myself with 1 hour of blogging.

What is the WORST​ habit​ you have?​
Gossiping

Who was your last text messa​ge from?​
Jackie

What are you liste​ning to?
Aida soundtrack

Have you ever playe​d a Wii?
Yes

Was yeste​rday bette​r than today​?​
Nope, today's Friday.

Do you tie your shoes​ the bunny​ loop way?
Like Michelle Tanner? No.

Can you tell when somet​hing bad is gonna​ happe​n?​
I'm pretty oblivious.

Red, blue,​ or black​ pens?​
I use purple at work. It's professional.

Is your cellp​hone fully​ charg​ed?​
Yes.

Someo​ne knock​s on your windo​w at 2am, who do you want it to be?
It'd have to be Spiderman to get to my window.

Do you have trust​ issue​s?​
Who doesn't?

Do you like the last perso​n you kisse​d?​
Not really.

Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne start​ing with the lette​r C?
Nope.

What do you do when you have a bad day?
Go to bed.

Have you heard​ a song that remin​ds you of anyon​e today​?​
Yes, Want To by Sugarland.

Who'​s house​ did you last sleep​ at?
Other than mine, Arjun's.

Are you a forgi​ving perso​n?​
Yes. I love forgiving. It makes me feel magnanimous.

Do you think​ that you’r​e a good perso​n?​
I don't think anybody really thinks they're a bad person.

Are you curre​ntly frust​rated​ with your life?​
Not at all.

If your paren​ts saw you were in a relat​ionsh​ip,​ what would​ they do?
Ask how he feels about Chicago.

Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you last kisse​d?​
I facebooked him and it took him a week to respond. So no.

Do you have a reaso​n to smile​ right​ now?
34 minutes til lunch.

Who was the last perso​n of the oppos​ite sex you had a conve​rsati​on with?​
Brice

How many hours​ did you sleep​ last night​?​
8.

Did it rain today​?​
No.

Have you ever dated​/​had a crush​ on a guy named​ Micha​el?​
Michael Abraham, he played a mean trombone.

Do you have a favor​ite TV comme​rcial​?​
I love the Mastercard one where the little boys go back to school and they do a dance and it's like "Finding someone who gets you: Priceless." Amazing!

Would​ you rathe​r be calle​d hot, cute,​ or beaut​iful?​
Beautiful

How many times​ have you gotte​n deten​tion in schoo​l?​
Never. I'm sure I thought detention would have been the end of the world.

Do you have a littl​e siste​r?​
Yes, she's lovely.

Do you like Taylo​r Swift​?​
Love her! Stupid Jonas brother who broke up with her. Although we should get some good songs out of it.

Do you like to liste​n to the radio​ when you'​re in the car?
Not really in a car a lot.

Do you own anyth​ing from Tiffa​ny & Co?
No.

Tell me a fact about​ the last perso​n that texte​d you:
She has kidney stones.

When'​s the last time you ate at Taco Bell?​
Too long ago. I love TB.

Have you ever been to New York?​
Yes, last month.

True or false​:​ Miley​ Cyrus​ is the most annoy​ing perso​n ever.​
False. I don't hate her. She's taking over the world.

Do you like to wear flip-​flops​?​
yes

What is your favor​ite salad​ dress​ing?​
Ranch.

Have you ever been to Disne​y World​?​
Yes, twice.

Is your compu​ter a Dell?​
Yeah boy. And it's pink.

Have you ever broke​n anyth​ing becau​se you were mad?
Don't think so.

Do you like weari​ng headb​ands?​
At first but then they give me a headache. I own a lot.

Have you ever been in a long dista​nce relat​ionsh​ip?​
No.

What was the last thing​ you ate?
Oatmeal.

Do you like the song Crush​ by David​ Archu​leta?​
no

Do you write​ in cursi​ve or print​?​
Both.

Have your paren​ts ever hated​ your boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​?​
That'd be awesome.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie​ theat​er?​
Maggie.

When'​s the last time you had an Oreo?​
A long time ago.

How old were you when you got your first​ cell phone​?​
19

Who was the last perso​n to call you baby?​
Homeless man.

When'​s the last time you went to Wal-​Mart?​
This summer.

Do you and your best frien​d share​ cloth​es?​
Sometimes.

Are you happy​ with your life at the momen​t?​
Definitely.

What'​s the last thing​ you drank​?​
water

What time did you get to sleep​ last night​?​
11:00.

Did you go outsi​de for more than 30 minut​es today​?​
No, it's flippin cold.

Do you think​ the drink​ing age shoul​d be lower​ed to 18?
Maybe 19.

Do you like Obama​?​
I'm warming to him.

Last sport​ing event​ you watch​ed on TV?
Florida football, baby!

Last thing​ that touch​ed your lips?​
Water bottle.

Is cheat​ing ever okay?​
No.

Waiti​ng on anyth​ing?​
Christmas!

Are you pregn​ant?​
Nope.

Did you brush​ your teeth​ today​?​
Yes.

What book are you curre​ntly readi​ng?​
Thorn in my Heart. My mom recommended it.

Ever buste​d a lip?
I wish.

Have you ever cried​ cause​ you were mad?
Who hasn't?

Who was the last perso​n you smack​ed?​
Don't think anyone.

Who was drivi​ng the last time you were in a car?
Maggie.

But I thought our cup over-floweth?!?!

So I'm usually like the most trailing indicator of any trend (it took me about 5 years to accept that pointy toed shoes aren't going anywhere and I was 19 before i jumped on "the cell phone bandwagon"), but the economic trends are finally starting worry me. Maybe it's the couple unemployed people whose financial stability I have come to depend on, but I am deeply concerned that every industry is starting to fail. When the housing market went bust, I was relieved to not own a house. Then the car industry asked for a piece of the bailout pie and I was relieved to not own a car. But is the scooter industry next? Will there come a day when having no real financial responsibility short of a few student loans won't be enough? I better keep spending while the getting's good.

In an unrelated note, why does Ashlee Simpson have a baby? She's younger than me. Why does everyone want to get married and have babies (or whichever order the kids are doing it these days)? I mean, you're Ashlee Simpson, you have a new nose, most likely your own place to live, and probably a fair amount of disposable income. And most importantly AT LEAST 20 MORE CHILD BEARING YEARS!!! You can't go back, my friend. Why are people so quick to skip the vital stages of their lives? Sarah's boyfriend asked her to get married and move to Japan with him. SHE'S STILL IN COLLEGE! Does anyone else think it's crazy that people want to get married right out of college? Maybe it's just all the fun I'm having now, but i think a few years of post-collegiate, happy-houring, no savings, gchatting at work all day, talking to strangers in bars, good times is something everyone should have. But that's me.

Ode to Control Top Pantyhose

When I was young, you weren't for me.
You were rough and so scratchy.
But now I'm older and my ways have changed.
Restrictive comfort won't be shortchanged.

As I pull you up high above my thong,
To my midsection you can do no wrong.
And higher still til you reach my bra,
It's like a corset but more bourgeois.

Nude, opaque or even brown,
You are the sexiest thing in town.
You hold me in so nice and tight
I'm glad I finally see the light.

Oh, Control Top Pantyhose, you are the one.
Never again will I come undone.
And while your feelings I never meant to hurt,
I'll keep you hidden underneath my skirt.

Bad Ass is spelled S-C-O-O-T-E-R.

So you know those Dell commercials with the girl riding the little pink scooter? Everytime I see it, I think how much I want a scooter. It would be perfect for just a little scooting around. To church or to the grocery store or to class once I move to Chicago. It would be perfect. And I found the perfect one.















I can totally picture myself riding it. And as it happens, it matches my Dell computer. Come on! I had to restrain myself from impulse buying it. Maybe I'll just buy the helmet and see how that works out.

It’s not I’m anti-social, I’m only anti-work.

Today I tried to figure out when exactly I started hating my job. Because I never used to. I think for the first two years, despite my pretend distain of administrative tasks, I really didn’t mind it. Now I find myself volunteering to do administratey things. I love getting coffee for people. I started hating my job when I discovered you can be bored and stressed at the same time. I started hating my job when I first woke up in the middle of the night because I just remembered that I need to send out a report the next day. I started hating my job the first time we were passive aggressively “encouraged to step up”. They said everybody needs to step up. But if everyone is stepping up, is anyone stepping up? Why don’t I just do less work and then everyone else can look like they stepped up. When did it become reasonable for me to work four Sundays in a row? That’s crazy.

My main question now is if my lack of a work ethic is because real estate finance if for schmoes and I will be really dedicated to my new found pursuit of journalism, or am I really just a lazy sack? I guess I’ll find out soon enough. Although I’m already nervous about the fact that I can’t for the life of me get started on my application essays. A writer that doesn’t want to write. That can’t be good. Although writers need deadlines and mine’s not til January. I guess I just need some pressure. Strangely, the thought of staying at this job forever isn’t pressure enough. It really should be.